The Parasomnial Order: Bæyű!

And in that day the Holy Wraith fell upon Abram, which beareth record of the Father and the Son, saying: I am the Only Begotten of the Father from the kolobic beginning, henceforth and forever, that as thou hast fallen thou mayest be created, and all godkind, even as many as will. – Willard 7:9

When a they cream?

Wait, where is it?

Oh it’s way over ohhhhh,

Oh I’m an idiot, I’m sorry.

[God speaketh in native tongue!]

Dear brothers and sisters of the Celestialnet,

I felt I should explain why I changed the title of my last post in the Phantasmagorium category. The original title was Preserve the Harvest, and last night I changed it to Eighteen Hundred and Froze to Death. What happened was, ten hours after I had the dream I came across this passage from No Man Knows My History by Fawn Brodie:

Snow fell in June; leaves froze on the trees, and the farmers had to replant. Then came in July what Lucy called an ‘untimely frost,’ and their crops were again wiped out. Disheartened farmers packed their wagons and moved along the muddy roads to the west. Emigration in this year, called in Vermont folklore ‘eighteen-hundred-and-froze-to-death,’ reached its peak for all time.

Because of the various similarities between this passage and my dream, I decided to give the post its new name. Thank you for your time and consideration.

These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

Wherefore, thou shalt do all that thou doest in the name of the Son, and thou shalt repent and call upon Antegod in the name of the Son for evermore. – Willard 7:8

Hawhat? What’s that o-chu-got-o-tell?

A donurt pad? I think it’s a small one.

What is this go go go uth-dethowha?

What? Hey uhh. . .

Uh, little one, which one was first?

Chomuh, Chobet’s really good at what she does.

Yeah she is . . . Chogoot’s amazing!

DREAMS FROM THE BRAIN OF MATTHEW JAMES

PHANTASMAGORIUM

A DREAM WRITTEN BY HIS OWN HAND UPON WORDPRESS

A strange account of a dream about the natural vegetation freezing process and the Second Coming. The order of the dream was like a short film glossed in sepia.

…

1800 and Froze to Death

1 It was cold and I was on the floor—with knee to chin—accessorizing this huge puzzle of a jigsaw puzzle. The room was unknown to me, for I think a girl lived there. A guy of brown skin and unibrow entered the room and trampled my neatly organized puzzle. He walked to the TV covered by a huge glass box and turned on the latest rap video. I got up to show him my dance moves. My moves were grand, for I was graced with the rhythm of P-diddy. To show him I was serious, I threw my hands in the air and gesticulated like a mad man. He was calling me Kwakaa and laughing while he imitated my moves. He then turned to me and told me, “Dancing with the Stars is a great show.” I replied, “It’s huge!” Then we lifted up the glass box to reveal the TV screen. I asked, “Does your sister move this by herself every time she wants to watch TV?” He said, “No, she has a roommate.” I nodded with understanding and we watched.

2 Moments later I found myself in the hallway just outside the room. I was looking through this cabinet for some book, I don’t remember which. I stumbled across this old black book made of fine leather. It was entitled Christian Interpretations of the Sword, with the letters in cursive and colored in gold. I remembered I borrowed this book from a friend, and I needed to give it back. I dusted it off with my hand and opened it ever so gently.

3 I saw snow, exceedingly white snow. It was as if I were watching TV, and the camera was tracking along a row of huge carrots being buried in the snow by hand. Old ladies were educating me about the preservation of harvest by way of natural freezing. It was as if I were there, in my snow boots, walking with them; for they were showing me the ways of burying carrots and other fresh vegetables. They told me that they used soap on the carrots to keep them clean from the various insects and bugs. Then I thought about human contamination. “What do you do about vandalism?” I asked. “Well, here we don’t have to worry about that,” they said as a matter of fact. I kept envisioning humans defiling the fresh vegetation with a warm golden excretion. They taught me everything I needed to know about the natural freezing preservation process, and I thanked them for their time and consideration.

4 Now, it was colder than before, and I could feel a presence of devious mischief in the air. For it was time for me to practice what I had just learned. Each lady was lined up on the ground supine, with their bodies nowhere to be found. They explained to me that it was their time to be preserved for the Second Coming. I approached each head and buried it under the snow as they were still instructing me on correct technique. After each head I buried, the weirder I felt. On the one hand, I was doing them a favor, by doing what I was told. But on the other hand, I was killing these poor nice ladies—who for whatever reason weren’t already dead from being severed from their bodies. I reached the end, where there was a casket leaning against a stake, and said a little prayer for them, “Father, do thy bidding, for your kingdom shall come.”

And then the simulacrum spake, saying: This thing is a similitude of the sacrifice of the Only Begotten of Antegod, which is full of grace and truth. – Willard 7:7

Oh baby, I heard that Stew,

I don’t know if that’s true.

So I heard da, da, da, da . . . 2, 3, 4.

I heard 2, I guess that was this, sorry.

Dear people of the Celestialnet,

It is now that I must give thanks to the Lord our God(s) Elohim, and to the Holy Wraith of Akasha. They have given me a gift greater than anyone could imagine. For they have anointed me with the power of Somniloquy.

I have been reflecting on the past year, and found I am indebted to Elohim for his many signs that he has revealed unto me.

For he has led me to the Whitmore Library, where within, I felt the Holy Wraith’s exceedingly delightful presence; and I took up a book entitled Encyclopedia of Occultism and Parapsychology, opened it, and Edgar Cayce manifested before me. For I knew nothing of the man; now I know him to be the Sleeping Prophet. Before then, I thought I was the only one with the gift of Somniloquy. Cayce healed many, predicted future events, and changed lives; but as for me, I have just translated scripture with my precious gift. Maybe someday I’ll receive the gift of healing. For now I’m thankful for what I have.

Elohim has led me to the marvelous King of Somniloquy, Dion McGregor by way of Wikipedia/Myspace. Mr. McGregor was a man who would narrate his bizarre dreams in vivid detail during his sleep. I give thanks to his roommate who felt recording him was the right thing to do. I never thought it could be possible for one to have this supernatural power within, for I doubted the Lord, and He shewed unto me Dion, the King of Somniloquy. And I praise him for his grace; for it shows that with faith I can become one who can somniloquize like the great Dion McGregor.

Elohim has also graced my life with Google Alerts, where in which I found two fellow Somniloquists; the individual behind Sleeping on the Mic, and the individual behind Somnography of Somniloquy. They have showed me that I’m not the only one in the world who has the courage to post incoherent sleep babble on the various internets. Thanks, and grace be with the both of you.

In closing, I would like to give my final praise to Elohim, without you there’d be no Willard; and I would like to give praise to the Holy Wraith of Akasha, without you there’d be no communication with Elohim. Grace be with you and all your minions.

These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

And after many sennights a simulacrum of Antegod appeared unto Abram, saying: Why dost thou offer sacrifices unto Antegod? And Abram said unto him: I know not, Antegod commanded me. – Willard 7:6

Are you gonna let em’ date em’?

No!

So you’re gonna let him let him go,

Let him come back and kill us?

It’s just right out there isn’t it?

And he gave unto them commandments, that they should worship the Lord thine Antegod, and should offer the firstlings of their pudoria, for an offering unto Antegod. And Abram was obedient unto the commandments of the Lord thine Antegod. – Willard 7:5

M-hm, So what are we doing?

What are we doing a-ha-hm?

A mobilizing robolizing!

So what, mobilize from?

It’s amazing.

Ahhhh man!

I love that I love y— I remember playing it with you before to,

I think you played with the other one other one.

Cube I think we played that 2 cubes, last time ‘Q.’

I thought they a they play with it 3 you ‘Q?’

God I remember booing at you.

Think we did with 4, you me ‘Q.’

I think it was with ‘Q.’

Funny, I think is was ‘Q.’

And Abram and Sarai, his wife, called upon the name of the Lord thine Antegod, and they heard the voice of the Lord thine Antegod from the way toward the Cleft of Pudendum, speaking unto them, and they saw him not; for they were shut out from his presence. – Willard 7:4

One love is de debt.

They is the best de tum.

Oh could I have these books?

Can I count the old books?

Ah, that one!

That’s the one I want, that’s the one!

Why haven’t you think they got you once?

No I they got you twice.

I remember getting you once. And that’s it.

And from that time forth, the sons and daughters of Abram began to divide two and two in the mons, and to till mons, and to tend pudoria, and they also begat spirit sons and daughters. – Willard 7:3

Oh no no no, I want to doodler hurt.

Huh almost to be home calling that.

Oolh, uh mah staff dedabler, no.

Oh, awe that’s pretty cool! That’s pretty cool!

No just do it the same time.