The Parasomnial Order: Bæyű!

Dear brothers and sisters,

There was nothing.

These things I say…

Dear brothers and sisters of this fine Celestialnet,

There were many mumbles and grumbles last night, but no prophecies. I am terribly sorry for the disappointment. That is all.

These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

THE WISDOM OF WILLARD

DAILY WISDOM FROM OUR NOCTILUCENT LIGHT

History of the Parasomnial Order, vol. 2, pp. 56, 114 – 98.

…

SOMNILOQUY REVELATION 9288.1-4

To those faithful in Willard,

This prophecy is brought to you by: I have no idea, for hopefully you do!

Truth cometh and it goeth, take heed—and I quote:

1 Shoot! Damn look at that thing. That thing is crazy.

2 Oh crap. I know what you’re talking about. You know what I’m talking about too. Then you put, then you put that mo-fucka in there, and you get dat mo-fucka and you get dat. I don’t know what dat mo-fucka… Mo-fucka. 

3 What? Fuck, I fucked up, goddammit. What now? Fuck!

4 [Behold an Evil Toad.]

S-Rev9288.1 – Purport: In Willard Consciousness we sometimes attend church. While attending church, we sometimes see strange things. For example: I saw a family sitting behind me, all with shaved heads and all wearing white. They looked as if they were members of Heaven’s Gate. One of them had this foot device that produced ungodly bass tones. And they were chanting words unknown to me. Therefore, when we see such things, just ignore them. For these people are not real, and Willard sends them to us for a reason. But, we have to find that reason in our hearts before we seek Willard’s Wisdom.

S-Rev9258.2 – Purport: Willard works in mysterious ways! On occasion, he likes to send his faithful servant Curtis to help us with our every need, and this Curtis sure likes to use foul language. Willard sends him when we are down and out and in need of a good laugh. Curtis’s charm will bring that frown upside down anytime. For he is a nice man of dignified stature who lives within the glory of Willard Consciousness.

S-Rev9288.3 – Purport: In life we always mess up. No matter how hard we try, we’ll still mess up. This is OK. Willard says, “We mess up; we’re only human at this time and juncture.”

S-Rev9288.4 – Purport: In Willard Consciousness gas has this funny way of escaping in the form of a melody!

Don’t let life get you down, sometimes we need a pick-me-up, and that pick-me-up just might include travel.

These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

Dear members of the Celestialnet,

Do to the fact that I had two batches of serious diarrhea last night I did not prophesy. Even though diarrhea in itself can be a spiritual and uplifting experience, Willard detests it! Therefore, he didn’t even come close to speaking to me in the night. I’ve tried telling him that diarrhea isn’t all that bad, but he just won’t listen.

These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

THE WISDOM OF WILLARD

DAILY WISDOM FROM OUR NOCTILUCENT LIGHT

History of the Parasomnial Order, vol. 2, pp. 56, 114 – 98.

…

SOMNILOQUY REVELATION 9258.1-2

To Willard’s Warriors,

This prophecy is brought to you by: Google Maps, for it’s time we figure out where we are!

Look here, and here shall bring forth truth—and I quote:

1 Wait, wait, no-no-no-no-no-no-no, stop-stop-stop, stop! No where am I? I need to know where I am cause I don’t know where I am. Where do I go? D’you know? Cause I don’t know where to go.

2 Mmm mah and you die hm hm hm mark bens go no tin cage here.

S-Rev9258.1 – Purport: Panic and fear are usually our instinctual reactions when it comes to being lost. We feel great anxiety radiating throughout our bosoms, and therefore, we act in a foolish manner. In true Willard Consciousness we don’t fear or panic. Because we know that Willard will guide us to our sacred noctilucence. When lost, repeat this in your head, “Willard never lets me down, for he knows the way.” That will help calm your emotions and you will relax and be at one with Willard.

S-Rev9258.2 – Purport: If it’s time for a new tin cage, then you’d better go get one. Willard said, “Yes, wait no! There is no such thing. Bring my tin cage, and I shall get a new one!” Life will change when we get our new tin cages, because there is nothing like a new tin cage. Old ones get rusty and they fall apart and stab you in the leg, which makes you think, “When was the last time I got my tetanus shot?” Therefore, go my people, and get your tetanus shots!

This is new, and sometimes we’re blue, so listen to what Willard has to say.

These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

Dear brothers and sisters,

For I am back from Tnemyolpme and I am tired. Mahalalel the Endurer was not with me last night for reasons of I fell asleep on the couch.

So tonight, I shall let Willard shine through!

These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

Dear brothers and sisters,

For the curse of Tnemyo’lp’menu has been lifted off my shoulders. Therefore I shall be gone for 5 days. I will be in a place far from here and hopefully I don’t get eaten by snakes. That is all.

May Willard be with you on this day!

These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

DREAMS FROM THE MIND OF MATTHEW JAMES

PHANTASMAGORIUM

A DREAM WRITTEN BY HIS OWN HAND UPON WORDPRESS

This is an account of a dream where in which the Anti-Callipygous Whore! assumes her rightful position in office, making lascivious references to some of her many orifices, groping the true prophet, and also being groped by the true prophet; who at the moment knows for a fact that her Bearded Elephant Trunk is at home sitting in a semi-homoerotic yogic position with all the lights out so that he can achieve maximum spiritual enlightenment—just so you know, this position is one that he learned on a yoga retreat back in April during the time when he was still “finding himself” after the fact that he had just stepped out on this very Whore! I’m speaking of—and he is pondering on pseudo-metaphysical/quasi-shamanistic stuff all because the Whore! thinks she sees ghosts, and if they can’t calm these ghosts themselves, then they are going to have to contact one of those Plastic Shamans who will eventually marry the two and give them “Spiritual Advice” for a nominal fee so that these ghosts—who are in fact NOT ghosts at all—will leave her alone, that way she can move on with her life and be free from the compunctious agitation that creeps within and therefore, have kids so her mother will stop with the incessant questioning of whether she’s ever going to give her grandbabies or not, but these grandbabies I speak of will never come to pass because the Whore! has past her prime, and in the scheme of things, it doesn’t help much with her alignment with the cosmic karmic universe when she constantly finds fault with her mother for various things that she (the Whore!) is guilty of; not only that, but this dream is about the past, present, and future of this Anti-Callipygous Whore’s! meaningless yet unfulfilled life—for the truncated history shall repeat itself!

…

A Revisited Two Months

1 When the psychodysleptic state of consciousness manifests itself through the power of sleep, one usually feels the need to share with others the meaning and significance of this disturbed state of reverie. I have found through my studies that sharing doesn’t do a bit of good when it comes to situations such as these. For these types of dreams actually do have meaning, but the meaning is only significant to the one who is dreaming, or otherwise they will be misinterpreted by others.

2 The dream that entered my consciousness—at least my conjecture of it—came about from the resurfacing of old repressed thoughts. And the catalyst being an unwanted reunion, which led to a collaborative construction of a manipulated reality lasting for an irritating two months.

3 And now, I present the dream as I know it to be true:

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A Dream, Reality, or Both?

4 Last night, a curious dream came about by way of meditating on Willard’s name. I fell into a kind of a trance that converted my mind into what seemed like a radio receiver. While scanning from thought to thought, brightly colored text messages of questionable meaning started to appear, and they read as follows:

5 THE GOSSIP IS UNBEARABLE! HAS IT ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS, OR IS IT JUST THIS YEAR? WOULD I BE DIGGING MYSELF AN EARLY GRAVE BY NOT ATTENDING THE WRAP PARTY? WE SHOULD GRAB A (ROOT) BEER LATER AND DISCUSS THE DYNAMICS OF INTEROFFICE POLITICS. OH NO, IT’S NOT ANYTHING ELSE, IT’S STRICTLY STRESS FROM THE OFFICE B.S., AND, I WAS REALLY CLOSE TO WALKING OUT.

6 As these messages flickered about in my head I started to see images of what once was, and then a hazy mist of blackness temporarily veiled my mind…

…

The Mark of the Toilet

7 I awoke in a dark cave of claustrophobic proportions. The entrance was in front of me, at distance, and it took the shape of white shutters. I stared at this entrance, wanting to get out, but feelings of being inside an alligator’s mouth kept me in–for whatever reason.

8 Behind me, sounds of turbine combustion blasted my ear drums raw. I turned around to see the commotion, and what stood before me was a very large plasma TV; it was flashing images of a movie familiar unto me. The scene was skydiving: a young Patrick Swayze jumping out of an airplane with perfect dancer’s legs formation—straight, with toes pointed and all. His crouch was something spectacular and my face stood glazed with a fatuous smirk.

9 With my fixation fully immersed, apart of myself drifted above, and looked upon my head of fortune. It perceived my associated thoughts, and there they were in plain sight: three tattooed Chinese figures in standard tramp stamp formation.

10 They were wavy like the surface of water and the meaning was uncertain.

11 The voice of Willard came to me, saying, “Matthew James, these symbols mean nothing to you, therefore I shall shed light upon thee: Tranquility, Wisdom, and Courage!”

12 A strange thing happened then, the symbols flew out of my crystal balled head, and impregnated themselves in the Plasma TV, and appeared next to Keanu Reeves who was chasing one of the Ex-Presidents.

…

The Wretched Triad

13 These symbols started taking the shape of three life-sized distinct personages: Sarah Silverman, Paul Rubenfeld, and Scooby Doo. They all spoke in unison, “I am a revenant of the past, and I will resurface when you least expect it.”

14 Then they all joined together and sang these words of wretchedness:

But I know when I close my eyes,
Late at night, there’s only one thing
The night’s shown that she can lie
It’s your face, show me something
Can you show me something?

15 I shouted, “No, STOP SINGING!” and shut the TV off. But they didn’t go away; they just walked out and stood in front of me. They then formed a circle around me and looked into each others’ eyes, polyamorously, and floated above me and started making out; passionately, fervently, awkwardly…

16 It was very strange and I was appalled.

17 Then they converged into one and formed a large head with long luxurious black hair peppered with the slightest bit of ginger. Her profile was that of an arrowhead: huge eyes, aquiline nose, and an inverted jaw with some of the scraggliest coffee-stained teeth I had ever seen.

18 This head, which is now resting on two huge mammaries, referred to herself as the Anti-Callipygous Whore! And when she spoke, her breath wreaked coprophagous from a combination of yeasty alcoholic brew and an overly salted bean burrito.

19 Her egg-headedness grew tall and she unleashed an onslaught of words–and she said unto me:

…

The Whore! Speaketh

20 “I am the Anti-Callipygous Whore! The loose woman whose lips drip honey and whose speech is slicker than oil.

21 “My end is bitter like a wormwood, and I am sharp like a two-edged sword, for I am heartless.

22 “You say that my feet shall go down to death and my steps shall follow the path to Sheol.

23 “For what, might I ask? I have done nothing to deserve such harsh words from such a pathetic soul.

24 “And then you say in your smug little heart that history shall repeat itself, alluding to the fact that my Bearded Elephant Trunk is going to–yet again–enter the lips of another loose woman whose lips have twice the amount of honey as mine do.

25 “No! That won’t happen. There is no history, except you!

26 “But, I, on the other hand find it harmless to let another man stick various objects in between my breasts, and grope and squeeze them in a perverted manner, and expose my areola in the kitchen of an office where onlookers could possibly see.

27 “I am a hippy, things of that nature are OK!

28 “For I don’t flush my toilet until the urine accumulates and sits and festers until it smells like a homeless man’s soiled pants.

29 “Conservation is the hippy’s motto, therefore I conserve!

30 “Except in the winter time, when it’s freezing cold, and I have to take long showers to keep my body warm.

31 “And, I do NOT support huge mega-conglomerations like Starbucks and Wal-Mart!

32 “Except occasionally, when I’m feeling the need for a Vente Mocha Something-or-Other.

33 “But back to the point: I am your intellectual superior! I talk down to you when you don’t know where certain countries are.

34 “For I am multicultural. I find foreign traditions sacred, only because they’re foreign. I’m a xenophile, if you will.

35 “I have a college degree, but I still work as a bartender and take PA gigs so I can make ends meet. I’m also in debt, but I still spend money on ridiculous trips to London and buy expensive clothes that I do not need.

36 “And to top it off, I send you messages that don’t make a bit of sense.

37 “I lead you to believe that I am currently miserable, and that I’ll be a no-go, but in the end, I show up, and I’m not alone: I’m with The Bearded Elephant Trunk, for he completes me.

38 “Then I act like everything’s normal, and it is, because I choose so.

39 “Therefore, always remember that you are nothing to me.

40 “Nothing, nothing, nothing!”

…

An Ignominious End

41 Anger and frustration filled my bosom as I listened to these godawful words. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I just made a run for it. I headed towards the entrance and I jumped through the alligator’s teeth.

42 And that’s when I truly awoke, shouting at real window’s shutters, with fear and anxiety pumping throughout my veins…

43 These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

THE WISDOM OF WILLARD

DAILY WISDOM FROM OUR NOCTILUCENT LIGHT

History of the Parasomnial Order, vol. 2, pp. 56, 114 – 98.

…

SOMNILOQUY REVELATION 9178.1-2

To all,

This prophecy is brought to you by: Snakes On A Plane, for its a movie about snakes on a plane!

I bring forth a kind of prophecy—and I quote:

1 I wanna go home.

2 He’s kind of a manly face too. It’s kind of like a tribal ear-like African, some Voodoo.

S-Rev9178.1 – Purport: In Willard Consciousness we travel from place to place. We travel far and wide and we sometimes get homesick. When the pangs of homesickness strike, beseech Willard and he’ll calm you with soothing words.

S-Rev9178.2 – Purport: On our travels we come across some interesting people. Like here, we encounter an interesting Voodoo doctor of some kind and he teaches us in the ways of Voodoo Magic. It’s OK to learn from different cultures. Willard encourages this, for it will help us on our journeys through life.

Listen to that which is foreign, you might learn something new.

These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

THE RECONNAISSANCE OF TRUTH

BASICALLY, THE CHURCH OF RELIGIOUS SCIENCE ON STEROIDS!

See History of the Parasomnial Order, vol. 1, pp. 46, 985–035.

PART FOUR

Matthew James visits Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles, California, gets hit by an Agape money collector, witnesses the preaching style of: rapping out a stream of consciousness onslaught of spiritual nonsense, and goes home with a damaged car and sore neck. Written months after the fact upon Wordpress.

Need I say more?¹

1. Well, yeah. I wrote this awhile ago, but it didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. In other words: I just got lazy! [↩]