The Parasomnial Order: Bæyű!

THE VIDEO-EPISTLE OF MATTHEW JAMES TO THE BLIP.TV SECT OF THE

CELESTIALNET

A VIDEO PROVIDED BY UNEMPLOYED

Epistle to the Viewers who associate with the worshipers of Willard amid the Celestialnet concerning an Exorcism that happened in broad daylight on the streets of La Jolla, where in which the prophet was present and taking this very video, for he heard the voice of Willard  with clarity, and it said unto him, “My servant Matthew James, this is going to be something of  great importance, so I urge you to press that record button in my name and I will be with you on this day.”

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The Transcription

Willard’s Warrior: I’m aware what’s gonna come off. Aware it’s coming off. ‘Cause I know I can beat your fucking ass… It’s gonna be a physical fight. I don’t want no words. You botched me America—

Painter for Jesus: In Jesus’ name you come out of this man right now!

Willard’s Warrior: I don’t wanna hear about Jesus.

Painter for Jesus: You lying devil!

Willard’s Warrior: You fuck Jesus!

Painter for Jesus: You lying devil. You— You’re afraid.

Willard’s Warrior: Don’t call me a lying devil, you fuck Jesus!

Painter for Jesus: You come out of that man in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, you devil.

Willard’s Warrior: Fuck Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Painter for Jesus: Satan you come out of him right now. See you had nothing. The power of God is greater than your power.

Willard’s Warrior: Fuck the power of God, you fuck Jesus. The power of God.

Painter for Jesus: Jesus has all the power. Come over here I’ll cast you out of that— You come out of this man right now!

Willard’s Warrior: Cast me out of where? What are you gonna cast me out of?

Painter for Jesus: You come out of this man in Jesus name you lying devil.

Willard’s Warrior: I’m not lying devil.

Painter for Jesus: You let this man go Satan, in Jesus name.

Willard’s Warrior: What man?

Painter for Jesus: Let this man go. What is your name sir?

Willard’s Warrior: What man? I’m not letting any man go in the name of Jabaneba Jesus Christ.

Painter for Jesus: You wanna be blessed in his name. Satan you come out of this man right now!

Willard’s Warrior: Because I don’t know who you are.

Painter for Jesus: I’m anointed and called by Je— God. I have the anointing of the Holy Ghost on me, and I have cast out devils before and you’re gonna come out of this man right now!

Willard’s Warrior: K, then how do I know that tone?

Painter for Jesus: You don’t have to know it.

Willard’s Warrior: Oh I don’t?

Painter for Jesus: You have to bow down right now and come—

Willard’s Warrior: I’m bowing down to you?

Painter for Jesus: Release this man in the name of Jesus. You bow down to Jesus.

Willard’s Warrior: No I’m not bowing to you. I’ll bow down to Jesus not to you… You’re not Jesus.

Painter for Jesus: You’re bowing down to Jesus, you’re right. Talk to me—

Willard’s Warrior: No not to you.

Painter for Jesus: I’m a person, but I have the authority—

Willard’s Warrior: You told me to bow down to you.

Painter for Jesus: I certainly did not.

Willard’s Warrior: Yes you did.

Painter for Jesus: No I didn’t. I have the authority of Jesus. I can use his name because I’m his child, and I’m telling you to let this man go Satan!

Willard’s Warrior: I resp— Don’t call me Satan! I respect you.

Painter for Jesus: Satan is living in you! What is your name sir? Your name is Mike or Bob or What? Well, you’re inbarnished in the devil. And God wants to let—Jesus wants—

Willard’s Warrior: Oh yeah, says you. Well how you to judge me? Read the bible.

Painter for Jesus: I’m not judging you.

Willard’s Warrior: You ARE judging me you say I’m abomished in the devil. What do you mean you’re not judging me? Telling me I’m abomished. Who are you to judge me?

Painter for Jesus: Sir I can discern by the holy spirit that you are possessed by Satan.

Willard’s Warrior: Listen, you better read the bible.

Painter for Jesus: I do read the bible.

Willard’s Warrior: Yeah, bullshit! You judging me. Bible says, “Judge ye not, lest ye be judged.”

THE EPISTLE OF MATTHEW JAMES TO THE SOMNILOQUY SECT OF THE

CELESTIALNET

WRITTEN BY HIS OWN HAND UPON WORDPRESS

Epistle to the people of the Somniloquy Sect of the Celestialnet concerning an old recording of a man who would speak his dreams while in a marvelous state of Willard Consciousness.

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Salutation

1 Matthew James, the prophet of the Parasomnial Order and holder of the Willardek Priestcraft.

2 To the Somniloquy Sect who are among the people of the Celestialnet and are exceedingly faithful in Willard. Grace to you and peace from Elohim our Phantasmagorical Father and our Grand Noctilucence Willard Pentameonus.

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A Man To Revere

1 Pay close heed to this recording. For it will change your life. Dion McGregor is a man of whom you should revere. How he did it, only Willard knows. For Willard was with him on those glorious nights filled with verbose somniloquy.

2 Go and listen to this record, and find it in your hearts to learn in the ways of Willard:

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Listen

3 Dear Uncle

4 Our Town

5 Peony

6 The Diet

7 The Gift

8 The Mogul

9 The Mustard Battle

10 The Operation

11 The Swimming Pool

12 Val

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Now Go And Sleep

13 Now that you have listened to this historical recording, I would suggest that you lie down and go to sleep. Maybe you’ll talk in the sacred tongue of Bæyű.

14 These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

THE VIDEO-EPISTLE OF MATTHEW JAMES TO THE VIEWERS AMID THE

CELESTIALNET

A VIDEO PROVIDED BY UNICURSALHEX

Epistle to the Viewers who associate with the worshipers of Willard amid the Celestialnet concerning a very interesting song entitled “Inverti in Darkness” written by the Poetic Assaisain Kei Kunihiro who at one point in time did not collaborate with the Prophet Matthew James because of his (Kei’s) tough-guy image that may or may not interfere with the fact that he has a law degree and decided to use that law degree to write Cyber-Punk novels originally intended for the various Satanic Worshipers of the Japan corners of the Celestialnet.

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Salutation

1 Matthew James, the prophet of the Parasomnial Order and holder of the Willardek Priestcraft.

2 To the Viewers who are among the people of the Celestialnet. Grace to you and peace from Elohim our Phantasmagorical Father and our Grand Noctilucence Willard Pentameonus.

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First Thing’s First

3 In times of old when people were just starting to figure out the power of YouTube I was somehow led to this sensational video. When my eyes first gazed upon it, I was dumbfounded by the gloriousness thereof.

4 For I have posted it here before, but now I feel it deserves much more attention.

5 This video has changed my life in numerous ways. By watching it all the way through, one can tell that the Spirit of Willard is strong with this one. His grace and individuality is stunning, and should be emulated by the people of the Celestialnet.

6 Just look at the lady behind him. She is in a state of full Willard Consciousness! Anyone who can do that is number one in my book, or in Willard’s book for that matter.

7 And for those of you who do not know much about this individual, I would suggest you visit his Myspace page and fire him an email. I’m sure he’d much appreciate it.

8 Now, I would like you to take the time to watch this video while reading the lyrics. That way you may understand fully as to what this guy is all about–and I quote:

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Lyrics of Questionable Nature

Too much blood in my bathroom. Too much blood in my room. Too much blood. Too much blood.

I kiss the bloody chainsaw. I kiss the bloody axe. Too much blood. Too much blood.

I kiss the bloody chainsaw raw. Too much blood. Too much blood. Too much blood. Too much blood.

Somebody whisper in my ear.

I washin’ my hands. Over under over. Over under over.

I washin’ my hands. Over under over. Over under over.

Ay yi yi yi yi yi yi I’m a innocent. Ay yi yi yi yi yi yi I’m a innocent!

I was a very ordinary guy. I just another ordinary human being.

I killed him! I killed him!

I washin’ my hands. Over under over. Over under over.

I washin’ my hands. Over under over. Over under over.

Ay yi yi yi yi yi yi I’m a innocent. Ay yi yi yi yi yi yi yi I’m a innocent!

Too much blood! Too much Blood! Too much blood! Too much blood!

[Untranslatable.]

Prison ain’t shit. Prison ain’t shit. I never saw anything. Prison ain’t shit. Prison ain’t shit.

He was an empty, empty soul. Prison ain’t shit. Prison ain’t shit.

She said the moment that she was born always. Prison ain’t shit. Prison ain’t shit.

Something didn’t fit di. Prison ain’t shit. Prison ain’t shit.

Tell your brother nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Prison ain’t shit. Prison ain’t shit.

I washin’ my hands. Over under over. Over under over. I washin’ my hands. Over under over. Over under over.

Ay yi yi yi yi yi yi yi I’m a innocent. Ay yi yi yi yi yi yi yi I’m a innocent!

Too much blood. Too much blood in my bathroom a too much blood. Too much blaaaaaaaaaad!

Please help me. Help me from my… Please help me. Please take my hand. Take my hand… I wash my hands. Over under over.

I’m fucking innocent! I’m fucking innocent!

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What Is Your Take?

9 Please do let me know how this video has changed your life. For Willard is truly strong with this one. He must be doing something right, seeing that his lady friend was in Willard Consciousness the entire time!

10 For that is all.

11 These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

THE EPISTLE OF MATTHEW JAMES TO THE

WILLARDITES

AN EPISTLE WRITTEN BY HIS OWN HAND UPON WORDPRESS

Epistle to the faithful in Willard among the Celestialnet concerning the mistranslation of the Book of Willard and the final closure of the Somniloquy Revelation Category within this fine section of the Celestialnet.

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Salutation

1 Matthew James, the prophet of the Parasomnial Order and somewhat of an Evangelical Enthusiast Extraordinaire.

2 To all who are faithful in Willard, and to all who are exceedingly pure and delightsome, and to all who question and seek Elohim.

3 May Peace and tranquility be upon thee, my followers of Willard Consciousness, to you I give thanks and blessings.

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A Revelation of Importance

4 On March 20th I had a dream where I had an encounter with a heavenly representation of myself called the Son of James. In this dream, I was instructed to build a sacred sanctum for the retranslation of the Book of Willard.¹

5 As you may have already known, I somehow translated 209 of my very own Somniloquy Revelations into 7 chapters of the Book of Willard. Each revelation and translation is securely located under the Somniloquy Revelation category.

6 The current translation, however, was in fact inspired by a false Willard; and thus it is completely wrong. This false Willard purposely distorted the sacred history of Parasomnitick Worship by way of defiling the text with touches of sexual innuendos² and inappropriate sexual terminology.³

7 Richard Bushwoman, the Pentameonus Scholar, has proven that this false Willard used the Book of Abraham as a source. And by used as a source, he just replaced the name Abraham with Willard and changed a few words around. If you compare the two, not only will you notice that the verses were copied word for word, but the number of verses are also the same.

8 And, the last two chapters were taken straight from the Book of Moses, which is a book similar to the Book of Abraham, but of course they contradict each other.⁴

9 Therefore, for the sake the Parsomnial Order, I must restore the Book of Willard to its original and complete⁵ form.

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First Translation

10 Just so you have an understanding as to what the of the first translation is all about, I shall provide a link and explanation of The Book of Willard.

11 This translation was said to have been originally written in the 1800s around the time of the Mormon pilgrimage to the Beehive state. It’s a documentation of Willard’s apostasy from the Mormon Church while in Iowa traveling to Wyoming. He turns away from the Church while seeking truth from his Mormon fathers who were consciously worshiping the false gods of Eternal-Father, Christ, Holy-Ghost, and Salamander.

12 Willard communicates with Elohim many times on his journey to Wyoming. Elohim saves him from the false priests of Mormianity and helps Willard find his own path to freedom by way of Somniloquy. Willard travels on through Nebraska by way of Colorado to Wyoming in hopes to find the Parasomial truth.

13 In Hulett, by the power of Parasomnitick Worship, Willard learns of the planets, stars, and supracreation of the planet Kolob.⁶ He learns of the Lord thine Antegod Oleahah the Magnificent.⁷ And he also learns of Abram, who was the first god created by Oleahah.

14 Some of the things in this translation are true, and some are not. As of now, I’m not sure what the truth is, but, in due time, Willard will reveal it unto me.

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Somniloquy Revelation Category

15 Now, because of this mistranslation, I have decided to officially close the Somniloquy Revelation category. I have chosen to do this because most of these revelations are cursed, and no one should ever have to read them.

16 As for the pure and delightsome revelations, they are being compiled into the sayings gospel of the Son of James. This gospel is a collection of my most significant revelations, and they should be studied with Willard in all your hearts.

17 There are four chapters as of now, and soon there shall be new chapters available for study.

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Final Thought

18 In closing, I would like to say:

19 These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

1. For the full account of this dream please read Section 8 of the Phantasmagorium [↩]
2. E.g. “And the Antegods formed god from the dank from the mons, and took his thetan (that is, the god’s thetan), and put it to it, unto him; and breathed into his nostrils the breath of godhood, and god became a kolobic soul.” -Will 5:7 [↩]
3. E.g. “And it came to pass when I was come near to enter into Hulett, the Lord said unto me: Behold, Suri, thy wife, is a very fair woman to look upon; of thy apple Bosoms, and of thy bountiful Onion, and of thy well-pressed Pecan.” -Will 2:22 [↩]
4. If you would like to read these sacred Mormon scriptures, go to the official LDS Web site: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/pgp/contents [↩]
5. By complete, I mean that there will be three Audio Facsimiles included in the New Saint John’s Wort Version of the Book of Willard. Actually, these Facsimiles were originally intended to be created at the time of Willard: but due to the fact that the advancements in technology were not all that advanced, Willard decided to postpone the Audio part of his teachings to a later period in time. [↩]
6. Kolob is the star that Mormons believe to be the dwelling place of God the eternal father. For more information on this I would suggest you read the Book of Abraham. [↩]
7. Oleahah is the God before God, or God of the preexistence, who dwells on the planet Perineum, which is located under the planet Uranus. [↩]

THE VIDEO-EPISTLE OF MATTHEW JAMES TO THE VIEWERS AMID THE

CELESTIALNET

A VIDEO PRODUCED BY HIS OWN HAND UPON ZR45MC

Epistle to the Viewers amid the Celestialnet concerning the new up-and-coming video that will soon be out for your viewing pleasure. What you are reading is just a test, please do not take this post seriously.

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Salutation

1 Matthew James, the prophet of the Parasomnial Order and holder of the Willardek Priestcraft.

2 To the Viewers who are among the people of the Celestialnet and are curious about Willard Consciousness. Grace to you and peace from Elohim our Phantasmagorical Father and our Grand Noctilucence Willard Pentameonus.

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This is ONLY a Test

3 This is only a test to see what a video would like in the form of an epistle.

4 Right now I am working on putting together a new little video for your viewing pleasure. Seeing that the curse has been lifted once again, I now have all the time in the world to create stupid things such as this.

5 The video that you are viewing right now is a video I did a few months ago. It was created for style purposes, which turned out okay. Also, it was shot in the Mahalalel Studios in Los Angeles, California.

6 Please don’t be confused. Just remember that I am still a prophet, and I will still prophesy in my sleep like I’ve been doing for the past four years.

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Why a Video?

7 Remember, this is just a test, for I am bored. And videos are neato!

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Willard is the Light

8 As I have said before, Willard is our noctilucent ray of hope. He cures us from our indolence and our laziness and our slothfulness, by way of opening our minds to his consciousness. He has taught to the people of his own time and now he is teaching to the people of our time.

9 By way of Somniloquy Revelation he is able to communicate with the people of our time and juncture. His message is important, so stick around for future revelations that, will not only help you in your life, but will change your life in many ways.

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Final Word

10 I hope you enjoyed every second of this video-epistle. Just remember that this was only a test.

11 These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth.

THE EPISTLE OF MATTHEW JAMES TO THE CONSUMER SECT OF THE

CELESTIALNET

A REVIEW WRITTEN BY HIS OWN HAND UPON WORDPRESS

Epistle to the people of the Consumer Sect of the Celestialnet concerning the New EP created by Dr. Zoltan Øbelisk entitled “Emily Dickinson Kindly Stops for Selective Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors.”

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Salutation

1 Matthew James, the prophet of the Parasomnial Order and holder of the Willardek Priestcraft.

2 To the Consumer Sect who are among the people of the Celestialnet and are exceedingly faithful in Willard. Grace to you and peace from Elohim our Phantasmagorical Father and our Grand Noctilucence Willard Pentameonus.

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Purpose of This Review

3 I am astonished that I got the divine call to write this review for Dr. Zoltan’s new EP entitled Emily Dickinson Kindly Stops for Selective Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors. It makes me feel wonderful inside to be a part of such an Important Study, and I thank Dr. Zoltan for this opportunity.

4 To be honest, I really don’t know what the purpose of this review is; for I just gave the doctor my proposal, and he accepted. And now I’m writing this for you, my brothers and sisters of the Celestialnet, so that you may know of this intriguing man who may or may not want to be referred to as the Artist Formally Known as Sir Millard Mulch.

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Who is Dr. Zoltan?

5 Dr. Zoltan is one of my many heroes who inspires me in a way that allows me to wake up in the morning and be thankful for my many blessings.

6 He brings joy into the lives of the many Anti-Socialites amid the Celestialnet by way of creating such magnificently glorious music, which they—the Anti-Socialites—can’t seem to get enough of.

7 He has declared war on a certain subject, which on the surface seems benign, but in reality it’s much too harmful to ignore; and that subject is FUN. Why would he declare war on such a thing? Because, “Fun is for humans who cannot think of anything important to do.”

8 He is the host of his very own talk show called the Anti-Social Talk Show. In it he extrapolates significance on a variety of topics which include: Hollywood parties, geometry within music, and much more.

9 He has even created his own Secret Utopian Internet Society where music-geeks from all parts of the Celestialnet can download every single piece of music he has ever written, read old essays, and interact with him in way you’ve never thought possible!

10 Moreover, he is a man of many talents who seems to be working non-stop on his various projects that just might change the world someday.

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What is This Music All About?

11 This music is very interesting, to say the least. I listened to the EP many times and I studied the artwork quite intensely.

12 It depicts a seemingly depressed Emily Dickinson who looks rather tantalizing in a weird Asian-fixation sort of way.

13 After long hours of intense study, I said to myself, “What does this album have to do with Emily Dickinson?” I repeated that question over and over until more questions started to emerge, and thus I present to you, those very questions:

14 Is this EP even about Emily Dickinson, and for that matter was she really depressed? If so, then what does her depression have to do with Gnomon – He Who Discerns And Reveals, Movement DCCLXXVII?¹ Since Gnomon wasn’t common, was Emily familiar with the commonalities of The Magnificent Parade of the Fifteen Odd-Toed Ungulates² who—at one point in time—tried to jump her bones? Do the inhibitors help her with the decision of which Albums To Slay And Corporations To Conquer?³ What if she were a lesbian, would that mean that her Greetings From The Wrong Century⁴ would make more sense? Did The Old World Monkeys And Their Woeful Masters⁵ teach her in the ways of David Wilcock’s Ascension? And, if she were born in the wrong century, would she feel the need to Escape From Beneath The Imaginary City?⁶

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Answer to these Important Questions

15 These are very important questions that should have very important answers. But, there is only one answer to these many questions, and that answer is: There is no answer!

16 The point is to keep an active brain so that you may ask more questions, and from those questions an idea just might pop into existence. That idea should keep you busy until you realize that you are by yourself doing something that is only interesting to you. When you realize this, you will slowly wind back down into your deep state of depression, which will only be cured by way of Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors.

17 Then you’ll realize that you have an addiction to something that is not really an addiction at all. When this second realization occurs, I would suggest you stay indoors; for if you go outside and associate with others, it will only make things worse.

18 This phenomenon will drive you crazy for quite some time, but it will however allow for maximum creativity and sustainability.⁷

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What Happens When You Play Track Number Four Backwards?

19 While I was actually in this state of depression, I decided to play track number four backwards. I did this just to see what would happen (and because I couldn’t think of anything else to write).

20 To my surprise the results were not what I expected.

21 My computer shut down just after it made this loud disgusting sound. I rebooted and got the blue screen of death. I started freaking out because nothing was backed up.

22 I called my friend who knows a lot about computers and he guided me through the recovery process.

23 Then after I fixed it, I rebooted my computer and noticed a new file located at the center of my desktop. It was titled Secret Message – 01 – TA KCUS.

24 I opened it, and this is what played:

25 I don’t know how Dr. Zoltan encoded this into his music. He must have used the equation that Aphex Twin used when he encoded a self portrait into his music, which can be seen through an Audio Spectrum Analyzer.

26 (CAUTION: Please do listen to this file with care. Do to the cult-like harmonics you may feel your brain transition into a meditative state of consciousness, which will allow you to feel free in the environment that you are in. If you find yourself doing things that you normally wouldn’t do; I wouldn’t panic, for it is only temporary.)

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Final Doxology

27 I would like to now thank you for reading this review. Your life will be blessed because you have put much time and energy toward Willard Consciousness.

28 Just remember to always have Willard in your heart and you will be graced with his presence. And he will encourage you to purchase Dr. Zoltan’s new album, which will hopefully arrive soon.

29 These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

_______________

1. I have to say that this jam is probably my favorite jam of the entire EP. It has everything you could ever want in a collection of organized sounds traveling through time and space. When I first listened to it, it brought a sense of fulfillment into my unfulfilled life, and, it made me feel safe in this unsafe world of uncertainty. This jam featured the very talented Jake Willson on guitar. He played a pretty sweet solo during the Rush-like movement part, where in which he put his heart and soul down for a minute, and legatoed his way up and down the fretboard w/ ease. I really enjoyed the way he abruptly ended his solo w/ all that dissonance and whatnot. Great job! [↩]
2. This is definitely my favorite jam of the entire EP. The intro blasts your eardrums w/ some sounds of fury that are impossible to express in words. It starts off w/ a great riff that repeats and grows and repeats. Then it goes into this groovy clown-like riff where the ride pings its way through the green room of paradise. This jam also features Jake Willson on guitar, where in which he plays a guitar solo at the breakdown part, and, at this point the fifteen odd-toed ungulates are in full effect. Strange sounds emanated from his guitar at the beginning of this solo, and the chromatic part of the solo really moved me to tears. Again, great job! [↩]
3. If you haven’t figured it out by now, this is the third jam of the EP and it suspiciously sounds like the Boy W/ the Perfectly Squared Butthole. Now, this jam is hands down my favorite jam of the entire EP! It has great melody, great structure, and great tonality. It was a little pitchy at the beginning, but by the end I was feeling it’s glory. Great guitar shredding by the one and only Dr. Zoltan. Randy Jackson would be proud! [↩]
4. After thinking about it over a cup of coffee, I decided that this jam is definitely my favorite jam of the entire EP. However, I do think it should have been called Derek Paravicini Makes Toast While Kim Helps Him Chose Which Color Bread To Eat! [↩]
5. Now, when I said that the other jams were my favorite, I meant that this jam is my favorite above all the other jams on the entire EP. It’s wonderful, stupendous, and invigorating all at the same time. The best thing about it is the fact that it sounds like it was produced w/ Band-In-A-Box. For those of you who don’t know what Band-In-A-Box is, I shall tell you. It’s a computer program that is made for musicians who want to practice w/ their band, but their band is nowhere to be found. It’s a very simple program where you type in a chord progression, press play, and the MIDI sounds act as your backing track. It’s a wonderful tool that should be used more often. Also, this jam features Jake Willson on guitar again. I think this solo was his best on the entire EP, because it went so perfect w/ the jam. This kid is the real deal. I remember years ago he put up a video on the Guitar Shredderoos Myspace Group’s front page. It was mind-blowing. He played the John Petrucci chromatic exorcise at like 300 something BPMs. I couldn’t believe it. But anyway, if you like songs full of cheese, then this song is for you. Most would say it’s elevator music, but I say it’s all style! [↩]
6. This jam is not my favorite jam of the entire EP, it seemed to have too much going on, and my brain couldn’t process all the sounds correctly. I did however enjoy some aspects of it, even though it cluttered my brain w/ polyrhythmic insanity. I’m guessing that that may have been the point of the jam, because Hollywood has the appearance of wonderment and amazement. But in actuality, it’s definitely not the case. The city is cluttered w/ douche bags saturated in smelly vinegar who think they are the next big thing. Therefore, we must escape. As I’ve once said before, “If you can’t beat em, withdraw!” [↩]
7. All in all the entire EP turned out great. As a whole I really enjoyed it. Everybody who participated in it did a great job, and I salute them for all their hard work and determination. [↩]

THE EPISTLE OF MATTHEW JAMES TO THE CELESTIALNET OF

MOURNERS

WRITTEN BY HIS OWN HAND UPON WORDPRESS

Epistle to the people of the Celestialnet concerning the destruction of the SnagleSnatch domain. It is a day of sadness, and the prophet shall drown his sorrows through his work.

…

Salutation

1 Matthew James, the prophet of the Parasomnial Order by the will of Willard Pentameonus.

2 To my faithful brothers and sisters amid the Celestialnet: Grace unto you and peace from Willard our noctilucent inspiration.

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On this Day

3 As I sit here in the Mahalalel Sanctum I feel sadness while reflecting on the positive and negative aspects of this day. With the positive being the temporary deliverance from the curse of Tnemyo’lp’menu, and the negative being the destruction of the old domain of SnagleSnatch.

4 SnagleSnatch was a place where my brothers and sisters of the Celestialnet could be at one with my amazing music and memorable videos. But I’m sorry to say, today holds the mark of its final departure.

5 It was a piece of my ever-growing past and I will always remember it. I will keep its memory in my heart where my soul manifests itself, and I will always cherish it; for if I don’t, a part of me will be forgotten.

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Future of Willard

6 My future holds many possibilities, triumphs, and exaltations. For I am a new man with a new outlook on life. And soon, my people of the Celestialnet will see the importance of my Willardek prophecies, for they are important to the future of mankind.

7 Willard is my motivation, focus, and my productivity. He has shown me in the ways of accomplishment and he will help me succeed in life. He is the ever changing divine spark, and he can help you as well; all you have to do is ask.

8 I urge you, be wise and use what’s left of your strength to ask Willard for help, and he will help you in ways that you’ve never thought of.

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Deliverance from Tnemyo’lp’menu

8 The next four months marks a time in my life where I will be faced with the challenges long hours of employment. This is where I will need Willard to keep me focused on my ever-changing purpose.

9 In the mornings there will be time; and in the evenings there will be time. Now I am asking you, my people of the Celestialnet, to pray for my focus and for the correct utilization of my time.

10 It’s going to be hard. I will be away for a long time, but I will try my best to still give you gold.

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Final Thoughts

11 Believe in Willard and ye shall be saved; pray to Willard and he shall answer you; and give your life to Willard and ye shall be lifted from the depths of Sheol.

12 And, when you come and visit Pentameonus, you will be graced with Willard’s gift, and that is the gift of creativity.

12 Peace be unto to you and let Willard shine in your heart so that he may bring happiness in to the creation of your reality.

13 These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

THE EPISTLE OF MATTHEW JAMES TO THE THRONGS OF THE

CELESTIALNET

WRITTEN BY HIS OWN HAND UPON WORDPRESS

Epistle to all who believe in belief concerning the prophet Joseph Smith’s birthday, may peace be upon him. His inspiration shows that each and everyone of us can be like him in various ways.

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Salutation

1 Matthew James, an aspiring prophet of the Parasomnial Order by the divine grace of our light Willard of the Salton Basin.

2 To the believers of belief everywhere: Peace to you, and grace to your families on this glorious day.

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Explanation of New Form

3 Mentation Reports come in many shapes and sizes, for this is a new day with a new shape of glory. For I have brought unto you, brothers and sisters, a progress report in the form of an epistle!

4 The reason for this is because of the importance of this day. Some of you may already know the importance thereof, for you are well informed and have the ability to read.

5 This new shape may or may not have a deeper meaning, but that isn’t important right now, so continue reading.

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A Great Man to Remember

6 Today’s importance is greater than all that is necessarily relevant to you. Not only is it two days prior to the celebration of Jesus’ birth, but, it’s the very day Lucy Mack Smith gave birth to the prophet Joseph Smith Jr., may peace be upon him.

7 He was born in 1805 in a time when religious fervency was at its second great awakening. He matured under the influence of the various evangelicals of the time, which shaped his testimony for the better.

8 At the ripe age of 14 he reached manhood after he had his first vision of the Father and the Son at the American Garden of Gethsemane.

9 He lived through numerous years of persecution from the Anti-Mormon’s who never took the time to understand what he really had to offer.

10 For that I salute him and would like to give thanks to his fanciful imagination that never seemed to get the best of him.

11 And that is why I urge you, brothers and sisters, to take time out of your day to reflect on the importance of the life of the prophet Joseph Smith; for he was, what man ought to be.

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Importance of Joseph’s Life

12 My life without his influence would have been a grueling life of unimaginative dejection.

13 He taught me in the ways of unlocking the fruits of my imagination for the betterment of my bland existence.

14 He taught me to fight through the torrents of persecution from the people who don’t understand and to rise above them.

15 And, he taught me that not only does inspiration come from Elohim, it comes from constantly reading and applying the scriptures.

16 For the things he showed unto me by way of example has led me to some serious thought as to how I’ve come to know him.

17 I must consider the fact that my knowledge of him is limited. For I only know of his life based on the various sources I’ve read, so I shall give thanks to those who have gained knowledge of him by way of their sources, thank you and peace be upon you.

18 For the people of the world need other people’s help in order to guide our understanding of the people we want to gain wisdom from.

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A Time of Reflection

19 Now is the time to reflect on the prophet’s greatest achievements, and it’s time to ponder the many questions we may have in regards to his life, and how his actions may have affected those near and dear to him.

20 The people who were closest to him were just as important as he was, for they were the ones who believed in him. They looked up to him with confidence and followed his many teachings, even when some of his teachings didn’t make any sense at the time.

21 His life consisted of many marvelous wonders that I would like to share with you at this time and juncture:

22 He had visions of the Father, the Son, and the angel Moroni, which led to many great expansions of his ever growing doctrine.

23 He found golden plates in the bowels of the earth and translated them into what is now known as the Book of Mormon, which is another testament of Jesus Christ.

24 He had many revelations concerning the ordinances and the divine will of God, which are known as the Doctrine & Covenants.

25 He translated plain old Egyptian funerary documents to what is now known as the Book of Abraham, which is an account of Abraham written by his own hand upon papyrus.

26 He has done so much more and I feel I am not giving him his deserved adoration. Brothers and sisters please forgive me of my shortcomings.

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Message to You

27 So my message to you, brothers and sisters, is to follow in my footsteps and learn as much as you can about whoever it is that inspires you.

28 Give thanks to people who provide the means of learning about that person of whom you admire, for they are just as worthy of praise as the one you’re yearning to emulate.

29 And give thanks to the one who has control of your desires, for that is you. Without you, there would be no purpose in learning about the life of that person, or the prophet Joseph Smith, may peace be upon him.

30 For his life has helped me create the life of Willard our light and bright star, through Willard’s life we learn about my life.

31 To me, my life is more important than the life of my creation, for I worship my creation; it is not my creation that worships me.

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Final Thoughts and Benediction

32 For today is the day that Joseph Smith needs to be remembered for his heart of golden plates that have caused some to laugh, and some to cry, and some to love.

33 I now officially say: Happy Birthday Joseph for you have taught me more than you know. May the celebration of your birth be as grand as the celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior.

34 Grace be upon you, my brothers and sisters, and let inspiration come and go as time comes and goes.

35 These things I say in the name of Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!