Dear brothers and sisters,
On this day in 1846, twelve thousand Mormon Pioneers departed on foot from Illinois and headed west in hopes to reach the great Salt Lake Valley. Having dedicated the Nauvoo Temple before their departure the Pioneers decided it was time to move from the oppressive state of Illinois.
July 24, 1847 marked the day when the faithful Mormons reached the beehive state under the guidance of Brigham Young and his dutiful retinue. I give thanks to these brave souls who embarked on this tumultuous journey. And I am not giving thanks just to show you that I know Mormon history and can manipulate it however I want, but, I do it for the sake of our prophet Matthew James.
Today, which is the 161st anniversary of the Mormon trek, Matthew James realized that he was born with a minor (IBS) defect. Why he realized it on this day, we shall soon find out.
On the evening of July 16, 1982 Matthew James the gift from God was born out of the Sacred Secretions of his lawful parents. He came out writhing normally into this world but something of anomalous proportion was going on with his ostensibly dicrotic heart palpitations. Irregular beeps were echoing from the pulse-oximetry system in spouts of what could be considered a bungled rhythm of 5. A beeping that sent the doctor’s working memory back to WWII.
He recognized the beeping as Morse code and started to translate baby Matthew James’ heart rate into the English language. It translated into: “I want to go back to my old family.” Dr. Veater didn’t know how to explain this phenomenon to his parents. So he just ignored it and said with a hint of effeteness:
“Matthew James has a bowel disorder which could be a result from the multiple applications of faulty anti-fetal foam that may or may not have been purchased at Wal-Mart.”
Matthew James claims that his disorder stems from his past life when he was on the exodus to the beehive state. His name was Willard Rufus Pentameonus and he died in 1847 from lack of faith in the Mormon Religion. As he began to lose his faith under the treacherous circumstances he finally let go to what he thought was Mormon Truth.
He went on the trek only for his mother Martha who would have been devastated if her only son Willard didn’t go to the Promise Land with her. He perished on the journey from a bacterium now known as shigella that was ingested in form of sandwich prepared by Brigham Young causing Willard’s fatal dysentery. His faithful companions just gave up on him and let him die in the cold thinking that his fecal splatter would keep him warm for the winter.
I am honored to tell you this story for we shall all celebrate, emulate, and emancipate our choice to do good in honor of the Pilgrims and the late Pentameonus family. I must salute them for their courage for they are noble people with good hearts.
Matthew James is away at the grave site of Willard Rufus Pentameonus and is praying to Elohim for the impossible return to his past life. He will be back to write about his Mother Church experiences in a few days. For he will need more time to cope with the loss of his once revered past life.
These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!
4 Comments
It appears as though you always had a foundation, which has been highly disputed the past few years, for you are the chosen one who has treked the trek like no trekkie before you. May Willard Rufus continue proclaiming the truth and let no man stand in your way. I said my name!
I read it again, and felt I should comment again. This is good stuff. Who is this Willard?
I felt that this was an interesting read. Very creative! Props…
Well hey, all I can say is great! Thanks for you comment’s without advertisements. I mean spam really sucks!
Post a Comment