The Parasomnial Order: Bæyű!

THE EPISTLE OF MATTHEW JAMES TO THE CONSUMER SECT OF THE

CELESTIALNET

A REVIEW WRITTEN BY HIS OWN HAND UPON WORDPRESS

Epistle to the people of the Consumer Sect of the Celestialnet concerning the New EP created by Dr. Zoltan Øbelisk entitled “Emily Dickinson Kindly Stops for Selective Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors.”

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Salutation

1 Matthew James, the prophet of the Parasomnial Order and holder of the Willardek Priestcraft.

2 To the Consumer Sect who are among the people of the Celestialnet and are exceedingly faithful in Willard. Grace to you and peace from Elohim our Phantasmagorical Father and our Grand Noctilucence Willard Pentameonus.

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Purpose of This Review

3 I am astonished that I got the divine call to write this review for Dr. Zoltan’s new EP entitled Emily Dickinson Kindly Stops for Selective Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors. It makes me feel wonderful inside to be a part of such an Important Study, and I thank Dr. Zoltan for this opportunity.

4 To be honest, I really don’t know what the purpose of this review is; for I just gave the doctor my proposal, and he accepted. And now I’m writing this for you, my brothers and sisters of the Celestialnet, so that you may know of this intriguing man who may or may not want to be referred to as the Artist Formally Known as Sir Millard Mulch.

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Who is Dr. Zoltan?

5 Dr. Zoltan is one of my many heroes who inspires me in a way that allows me to wake up in the morning and be thankful for my many blessings.

6 He brings joy into the lives of the many Anti-Socialites amid the Celestialnet by way of creating such magnificently glorious music, which they—the Anti-Socialites—can’t seem to get enough of.

7 He has declared war on a certain subject, which on the surface seems benign, but in reality it’s much too harmful to ignore; and that subject is FUN. Why would he declare war on such a thing? Because, “Fun is for humans who cannot think of anything important to do.”

8 He is the host of his very own talk show called the Anti-Social Talk Show. In it he extrapolates significance on a variety of topics which include: Hollywood parties, geometry within music, and much more.

9 He has even created his own Secret Utopian Internet Society where music-geeks from all parts of the Celestialnet can download every single piece of music he has ever written, read old essays, and interact with him in way you’ve never thought possible!

10 Moreover, he is a man of many talents who seems to be working non-stop on his various projects that just might change the world someday.

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What is This Music All About?

11 This music is very interesting, to say the least. I listened to the EP many times and I studied the artwork quite intensely.

12 It depicts a seemingly depressed Emily Dickinson who looks rather tantalizing in a weird Asian-fixation sort of way.

13 After long hours of intense study, I said to myself, “What does this album have to do with Emily Dickinson?” I repeated that question over and over until more questions started to emerge, and thus I present to you, those very questions:

14 Is this EP even about Emily Dickinson, and for that matter was she really depressed? If so, then what does her depression have to do with Gnomon – He Who Discerns And Reveals, Movement DCCLXXVII?¹ Since Gnomon wasn’t common, was Emily familiar with the commonalities of The Magnificent Parade of the Fifteen Odd-Toed Ungulates² who—at one point in time—tried to jump her bones? Do the inhibitors help her with the decision of which Albums To Slay And Corporations To Conquer?³ What if she were a lesbian, would that mean that her Greetings From The Wrong Century⁴ would make more sense? Did The Old World Monkeys And Their Woeful Masters⁵ teach her in the ways of David Wilcock’s Ascension? And, if she were born in the wrong century, would she feel the need to Escape From Beneath The Imaginary City?⁶

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Answer to these Important Questions

15 These are very important questions that should have very important answers. But, there is only one answer to these many questions, and that answer is: There is no answer!

16 The point is to keep an active brain so that you may ask more questions, and from those questions an idea just might pop into existence. That idea should keep you busy until you realize that you are by yourself doing something that is only interesting to you. When you realize this, you will slowly wind back down into your deep state of depression, which will only be cured by way of Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors.

17 Then you’ll realize that you have an addiction to something that is not really an addiction at all. When this second realization occurs, I would suggest you stay indoors; for if you go outside and associate with others, it will only make things worse.

18 This phenomenon will drive you crazy for quite some time, but it will however allow for maximum creativity and sustainability.⁷

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What Happens When You Play Track Number Four Backwards?

19 While I was actually in this state of depression, I decided to play track number four backwards. I did this just to see what would happen (and because I couldn’t think of anything else to write).

20 To my surprise the results were not what I expected.

21 My computer shut down just after it made this loud disgusting sound. I rebooted and got the blue screen of death. I started freaking out because nothing was backed up.

22 I called my friend who knows a lot about computers and he guided me through the recovery process.

23 Then after I fixed it, I rebooted my computer and noticed a new file located at the center of my desktop. It was titled Secret Message – 01 – TA KCUS.

24 I opened it, and this is what played:

25 I don’t know how Dr. Zoltan encoded this into his music. He must have used the equation that Aphex Twin used when he encoded a self portrait into his music, which can be seen through an Audio Spectrum Analyzer.

26 (CAUTION: Please do listen to this file with care. Do to the cult-like harmonics you may feel your brain transition into a meditative state of consciousness, which will allow you to feel free in the environment that you are in. If you find yourself doing things that you normally wouldn’t do; I wouldn’t panic, for it is only temporary.)

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Final Doxology

27 I would like to now thank you for reading this review. Your life will be blessed because you have put much time and energy toward Willard Consciousness.

28 Just remember to always have Willard in your heart and you will be graced with his presence. And he will encourage you to purchase Dr. Zoltan’s new album, which will hopefully arrive soon.

29 These things I say in the name of Willard Pentameonus, thou ascendeth!

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1. I have to say that this jam is probably my favorite jam of the entire EP. It has everything you could ever want in a collection of organized sounds traveling through time and space. When I first listened to it, it brought a sense of fulfillment into my unfulfilled life, and, it made me feel safe in this unsafe world of uncertainty. This jam featured the very talented Jake Willson on guitar. He played a pretty sweet solo during the Rush-like movement part, where in which he put his heart and soul down for a minute, and legatoed his way up and down the fretboard w/ ease. I really enjoyed the way he abruptly ended his solo w/ all that dissonance and whatnot. Great job! [↩]
2. This is definitely my favorite jam of the entire EP. The intro blasts your eardrums w/ some sounds of fury that are impossible to express in words. It starts off w/ a great riff that repeats and grows and repeats. Then it goes into this groovy clown-like riff where the ride pings its way through the green room of paradise. This jam also features Jake Willson on guitar, where in which he plays a guitar solo at the breakdown part, and, at this point the fifteen odd-toed ungulates are in full effect. Strange sounds emanated from his guitar at the beginning of this solo, and the chromatic part of the solo really moved me to tears. Again, great job! [↩]
3. If you haven’t figured it out by now, this is the third jam of the EP and it suspiciously sounds like the Boy W/ the Perfectly Squared Butthole. Now, this jam is hands down my favorite jam of the entire EP! It has great melody, great structure, and great tonality. It was a little pitchy at the beginning, but by the end I was feeling it’s glory. Great guitar shredding by the one and only Dr. Zoltan. Randy Jackson would be proud! [↩]
4. After thinking about it over a cup of coffee, I decided that this jam is definitely my favorite jam of the entire EP. However, I do think it should have been called Derek Paravicini Makes Toast While Kim Helps Him Chose Which Color Bread To Eat! [↩]
5. Now, when I said that the other jams were my favorite, I meant that this jam is my favorite above all the other jams on the entire EP. It’s wonderful, stupendous, and invigorating all at the same time. The best thing about it is the fact that it sounds like it was produced w/ Band-In-A-Box. For those of you who don’t know what Band-In-A-Box is, I shall tell you. It’s a computer program that is made for musicians who want to practice w/ their band, but their band is nowhere to be found. It’s a very simple program where you type in a chord progression, press play, and the MIDI sounds act as your backing track. It’s a wonderful tool that should be used more often. Also, this jam features Jake Willson on guitar again. I think this solo was his best on the entire EP, because it went so perfect w/ the jam. This kid is the real deal. I remember years ago he put up a video on the Guitar Shredderoos Myspace Group’s front page. It was mind-blowing. He played the John Petrucci chromatic exorcise at like 300 something BPMs. I couldn’t believe it. But anyway, if you like songs full of cheese, then this song is for you. Most would say it’s elevator music, but I say it’s all style! [↩]
6. This jam is not my favorite jam of the entire EP, it seemed to have too much going on, and my brain couldn’t process all the sounds correctly. I did however enjoy some aspects of it, even though it cluttered my brain w/ polyrhythmic insanity. I’m guessing that that may have been the point of the jam, because Hollywood has the appearance of wonderment and amazement. But in actuality, it’s definitely not the case. The city is cluttered w/ douche bags saturated in smelly vinegar who think they are the next big thing. Therefore, we must escape. As I’ve once said before, “If you can’t beat em, withdraw!” [↩]
7. All in all the entire EP turned out great. As a whole I really enjoyed it. Everybody who participated in it did a great job, and I salute them for all their hard work and determination. [↩]