The Parasomnial Order

A few weeks ago searching for answers, Matthew James came across a very special magazine called The Learning Annex. He found this magazine in one of those magazine bins located in front of the Baskin Robbins on 3rd street. On the cover was the secret that he had been looking for his whole life. It said: “The Law of Attraction is the Secret to Life.” He never read this magazine, but, Matthew James perpetually had it in his thoughts for weeks—remembering that: if thoughts have a molecule-morphing impact on water, then they must have a substantial impact on this humanoidal experience we call life.

Two weeks later on a dank summer’s eve, Matthew James checked his mailbox and lo and behold, The Secret was lying there in DVD format with a message written in gold: “You thought, therefore I came.” He then scuttled back inside to watch this DVD immediately.

Matthew James unwrapped the plastic, cut the seal with his fingernail, opened the case gently while guiding this special form of media to the DVD player and pressed play. Nothing happened. For some reason, the Shinsonic DVD player was having the damnedest time reading the DVD. He tried numerous times loading it, and it just didn’t want to cooperate. All it could do was say: “Error Reading Disc.” Agitation started to creep in, which lead to frustration, then on to anger. Thoughts of hitting something were now almost to the point of fists actually hitting something or someone. He tried to keep his cool, but after an hour of strife with the DVD player, he had had it. The remote was catapulted across the room and hit the Shinsonic at record speed. It slammed the front of the player, knocking it off the table, and landed on an old-negative-thought-provoked milk stain forcing the Shinsonic to think positive circuital thoughts. Which, astonishingly, allowed it to read the DVD.

Finally, Matthew James was able to watch this DVD allegedly containing the secret to life and all its mysteries. He sat close to the television set, thinking that the closer he was to the information, the more information he would retain from this new found new-age information guide to life. All these wonderful scientists, who were also philosophers, visionaries, and metaphysicians were speaking to him with vigor and conviction. They told him in a seemingly straightforward roundabout way that science doesn’t need to be proven with empirical data or even tested. Now, this is a very important part to the Secret. I mean, these scientists are trustworthy people who have this important information, and want to share this important information with you and me, because, they know that this important information will help us find happiness.

The Secret is based off one thing, the Law of Attraction. What is attraction? Well, the answer is simple, attraction is your thoughts. Your thoughts are like a magnet, and this magnet attracts aimless matter from the universe by way of magical thinking. And by magical, I mean, if you have positive thoughts, they will attract positive things in your life (i.e. Matthew James’s thoughts about the Learning Annex Magazine). Positive thinking helps with your alignment with the universe. When you are aligned with the universe you feel happy and joyful. The law of attraction also works the other way around. For example: negative thoughts attract negativity, which throws off your alignment with the universe and sends you on a spiral to hell. If you feel those negative thoughts creeping in, just suppress them until they turn into whimsical positive thoughts, for it will change your life!

Now, I bet you are wondering how this DVD helped Matthew James. It didn’t. He watched it and realized it was a bunch of new-age spiritual diarrhea. The video takes the work out of everything and makes it magical, and leads you to believe that it’s easy to achieve whatever it is you want to achieve. If you bought this DVD, I am terribly sorry. I would suggest you burn it, for the Secret will only do harm to the people of earth. As you may have already known, magnets just don’t work the way these new-agers say they do. Magnets have two poles, north and south (one positive and one negative), and last time I checked, the positive attracts the negative. So think negative thoughts to attract your desired positive outcome, for your alignment with the universe will be much better than before.

If you are looking for the Secret, then you have come to the right place. We at Snaglesnatch believe that the Book of Willard is the real secret—in fact, it’s not a secret at all. The Book of Willard shows that it takes hard work and determination to plagiarize the already plagiarized works of Joseph Smith. It’s important to get ideas from others and pass them off as your own. Or else, life wouldn’t be life. And, the only way to be really aligned with the Universe is:

Do Not Listen To The Following People: John Assaraf, Michael Beckwith, Lee Brower, Jack Canfield, John F. Demartini, Marie Diamond, Mike Dooley, Bob Doyle, Hale Dwoskin, Morris E. Goodman, John Gray, John Hagelin, Bill Harris, Ben Johnson, Loral Langemeier, Bob Proctor, James Arthur Ray, David Schirmer, Marci Shimoff, Joe Vitale, Denis Waitley, Neale Donald Walsch, and Fred Alan Wolf.

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